There is Fear in Love

They say fear is a choice.. Is that really true? Do we really have a choice? I feel like no matter how much we try to convince ourselfs

that fear is optional it is always there lurking in the shadows waiting for our most vulnerable moment to sink its teeth in and take away any glimmer of hope and belief in something we may have. I have never believed in love so much and all at once have been so afraid to lose it than at this very moment, as type this I reflect on the choices I have made these past two almost three years in my love life. I found what I knew was the perfect guy for me, yet time and time again I sabotaged it like there was no tomorrow. Its like trying to build a house of cards and knowing that you'll blow it down before you get to the second section or something similar. Fear has made me hurt the only person I cared about more than anyone that walks this earth dare I say. He makes me giddy and gives me butterflies just by looking in my eyes, it has been almost three years but he still gets me like that. He gets who I am, all the good and bad parts of who I am and all that I could be if I want to.. how in the world can someone believe in me this much I have asked myself this question the moment he encouraged me endlessly to pursue what I loved instead of a desk job that pays more than well enough. Why is it that we so often take for granted the things life gifts us, things that at the very moment we receive them we can hardly believe they are within our grasp. All the things I didn't know I could have suddenly came running at me one day, he was one of those things. The thought and fact alone of being completely happy so happy that I didn't care what anyone had to say or what they thought I should instead be focusing on.. all those extra comments that played a big part in my life for so long were no longer in center stage of my life. I was all consumed by the love this love that in my opinion was nearly impossible to find anymore or even better no longer existed. He was and continues to be my idea of perfection yet for some reason it took me this long to realize that all the time I second guessed the fact that I was so happy and kept reminding myself that people don't have it that easy in love.. I kept asking myself is this really it? Do i really have everything in this person? How could it be? These questions would circle my head so often. I was always looking for something wrong, and having come from divorced parents I always I feel has been a big factor of why I was so scared to be walked out on. Sure my grandmother raised my mom alone along with all her siblings and she didn't need a man she made more than enough not to need one, and my mother for so long was the same accounting paid off very well until she suddenly decided to re-marry and quit working; or as I like to call it having a piece of paper that proves how long and hard you worked and not doing anything with it. Since the end of August and the Beginning of this one I have come to the realization that I alone sabotaged my fantastic relationship because I was afraid of giving it my all and ending up like so many women do. When the fact is that he is all that I could have ever asked for, he knows me like no one ever will and like I quite frankly wouldn't want anyone to know me, he is kind enough to hold me in his arms at night and not let go until the morning, he looks into my eyes with fearless and scared all at once because I have hurt him, he is my best friend the true best friend I had always searched for but never could find, and he is the person that I want to continue to wake up to everyday. Just the other night he brought up a little moment from the early stages of our relationship and a week or two ago he did again.. Here I was asking myself.. Who knew that we both still remembered all those little moments that became so much more. I always thought I was the one who thought of that anymore but then it hit me that .. that was impossible because one thing I have always greatly appreciated about this fantastic guy I fell in love with was his sensitivity and ability to sit and talk like no one else can about love and all the little things that make it.  And If he was to read this, to him I say dear love of mine, I have taken you for granted more times than you will ever deserve and for that I will eternally be sorry but you must know that you are more than I wanted and expected to ever find and now that I have I hope that you will find it in your heart to truly give me the chance to make it up to you and always be by your side, and that I look forward to growing old with you (if you'll let me) , Because I know being with you will never grow old. And to be able to have your hand to hold through this crazy life.

Heart Of Hearts: A Thought

When is it right to give up on something, I have asked myself that question many times. I have given up on a few things I found important. But have not had someone mean so much that when they are not around I feel an emptiness other than someone from my family until now.
 They say that there are things in life you just have to let go but that the ones you love are worth fighting for. There in the middle of the lonely and cold night i find his song wrapping its warm arms around me and telling me not to give up just yet because its all worth the fight. my heart says how could you ever give up you fool when this is the first time in your life that you have something you are completely sure of, something you'd be willing to risk it all for, even if you have yet to begin risking things.
They say giving up is the hardest part, i used to think of it frequently until one night that changed. For the first time in a long time in between all the fights and yelling we were completely in peace just laying there laughing, then came a gentle kiss from his lips and an I love you. There I was feeling stupid because I thought those words i would not hear for a while or that he no longer felt. There is always this honesty that comes from his eyes those eyes who know me well enough to notice something is wrong even when I am smiling. Why give up when I have so much to lose. Why give up waking up next to him everyday, why give up the making up after we argue and the way that he wraps his arms around around me to make me feel warm and secure. Why would I give up the countless hours, weeks, and years that I've been by his side? Because of a stupid argument or because I get paranoid about things that should not even cross my mind. I know that he would not be out doing things he should not be he is too focused on his passion, his career.
I know that I don't want to let anything go even the bad stuff, how would I live with myself knowing that the part of me I found is out there but not with me. I would no longer feel whole, id have no reason to out of the blue laugh and laugh continuously because i remembered something hilarious then have him laugh by my side because he also found it hilarious. I would no longer be there for him to talk for hrs when he has something he wants to get off his chest, I wouldn't be there to rub his back until he falls asleep, I would no longer be there for him to make really cheesy jokes and be surprised I actually thought they were funny.
 I would no longer be there for him to make silly faces with, to confide in, to tell crazy ideas to,to make a late night food run with and stay up the greater part of the time we are supposed to be asleep. I would no longer make random that's what he/she said jokes and him tell me "oh that was  a good one" and laugh too. I like making him laugh and just be himself. I
 wouldn't trade him going on about an idea or a topic for awhile and just rambling about whatever he wants just because he has me to talk to about. I wouldn't trade him coming home after I've gone to bed and gently kiss me on the shoulder and say "hey i got you this blueberry thing from the donut shop, and some kolaches" with a warm smile and giggle because I'm only half awake. There is way too much, my life would not be the same without him. You stick by the one you love even when things get difficult, if you truly love them, everyone always has a way to overlook the imperfections because we are not perfect. As long as  you are happy why let go of that happiness ?

Heart Of Hearts: Is It Karma or Just Life?

Sometimes in life we do not realize things that are right before our very eyes. Nobody is perfect, that is a given fact that we should all acknowledge. But there comes a time when we pretend to be, we like to think of ourselves as the innocent person no matter how bad choices or mistakes we have made or are making w/out others knowing.

We all try to hide things whether big or small, things of the past or even the present and act like it never happened or like it is not relevant to the present. And all I can do is ask myself "why?" Why the hell do we continuously look at ourselves as the victim? And even when we are the victim in a situation why do we over emphasize our role knowing we are not perfect and we've made bad decisions and have done bad things too. Expecting someone to be completely open with you and giving you access to every inch of information there is to know even about things that there is no point in you knowing, and then in return you do not give them the same or at least half of that.

Then where and how are you meeting them halfway to make anything better. Where is it that we cross the line from harmless lies, control of our so called "privacy", and things that have happened but have no meaning? To lying or hiding more serious things such as notes, to putting passwords on every device we use for social media or to communicate at all ever. Which brings me to the million dollar question, when it comes to relationships. Do we all lie and cheat at some point? And then act like the victim or get angry when the other person finds out? How far do we really go when no one knows what we are doing? Do we keep a mental line we do not cross when no one is looking? I will openly admit the fact that I have cheated. But I kept a line I refused to cross, although all I did was go out with the person a few times and flirt.. it is never the less still cheating but less than what other people have done and are capable of doing.
     The worst thing someone can come across is finding a note or more than one thing that tells you or makes it seem like that the person you are with is not necessarily as good or whatever you wanna call it as they appear or like to appear to you. Knowing someone is only human is going to make mistakes is the correct way to approach various kinds of situations but it is not always the route we take when we are angry or feel like things are not what they appear to be. It is never the less true that most everyone at some point will cheat, no matter how good something is for whatever reason we will cheat and another big fact is that the other person wont always find out.

But when there are things laying around that give away things that have happened and you just so happen to find them you really never know what to think but the obvious. Or maybe you'll lie to yourself and say well this probably meant or means nothing, or its probably old there is no way. But when things seem weird and have exact dates on them then what do you do then?? Funny how life turns out huh.. Maybe its karma or maybe we are all.. and excuse my language. But maybe we are all just fucked up people.

True gentleman Salvador Dali once said: “Have no fear of perfection - you'll never reach it.” 

P.S. excuse any misspelling or missing commas,etc. but when you want to get something off your chest it doesn't really matter.

                                                                   -Steph

Heart Of Hearts: Realistically

What is wrong with people there is seriously something wrong with us. Every single time we have something good we somehow figure out a way to ruin it, all of our lifes we dream of finding that ideal person who will make us feel whole and accept us for who we are.. The real us, not that us that we show the people around us because we secretly know we cannot trust everyone who flashes a smile in our direction. Then comes that defining moment that can change everything forever , when we finally get that person we have always hoped to find and mess it all up by cheating and lieing. Why in Gods name do we do that it almost always happens like that and we end up screwing our entire lifes and having commitment, follow through and all other kinds of issues. It rarely never happens that we do things completely right the first time around it never happens just how it should. Like for example waiting to have sex till marriage but doing it because you are madly and completely in love with that person. But at the same time messing such perfection up by either, cheating, lieing, putting up walls, being too scared to try because you've always been given up on and many more things.. The list could go on forever because we all have it so different than others, then sometimes we don't but we all eff things up one way or the other. That is until that oh so right person comes along and gives us the chance to turn a new leaf. Then maybe just maybe after all the fighting and screaming and the laughing and the crying and last but not least the love that lies or that lied there you can finally bring yourself to stop being scared to give it your all like you've never done before.

Winston Churchill once said : “We make a living by what we get. We make a life by what we give.” 
And on the same token Mother Teresa said: “Give, but give until it hurts.”  



So as i sit here and enjoy warm and sweet cinnamon roll I say why the hell not give something that could make you happy for the rest of this crappy existence actually HAPPY.. Your all, and maybe then youll stop feeling like a bad person and you and others will see you differently.


                                                            xx-Steph