Heart Of Hearts: A Thought

When is it right to give up on something, I have asked myself that question many times. I have given up on a few things I found important. But have not had someone mean so much that when they are not around I feel an emptiness other than someone from my family until now.
 They say that there are things in life you just have to let go but that the ones you love are worth fighting for. There in the middle of the lonely and cold night i find his song wrapping its warm arms around me and telling me not to give up just yet because its all worth the fight. my heart says how could you ever give up you fool when this is the first time in your life that you have something you are completely sure of, something you'd be willing to risk it all for, even if you have yet to begin risking things.
They say giving up is the hardest part, i used to think of it frequently until one night that changed. For the first time in a long time in between all the fights and yelling we were completely in peace just laying there laughing, then came a gentle kiss from his lips and an I love you. There I was feeling stupid because I thought those words i would not hear for a while or that he no longer felt. There is always this honesty that comes from his eyes those eyes who know me well enough to notice something is wrong even when I am smiling. Why give up when I have so much to lose. Why give up waking up next to him everyday, why give up the making up after we argue and the way that he wraps his arms around around me to make me feel warm and secure. Why would I give up the countless hours, weeks, and years that I've been by his side? Because of a stupid argument or because I get paranoid about things that should not even cross my mind. I know that he would not be out doing things he should not be he is too focused on his passion, his career.
I know that I don't want to let anything go even the bad stuff, how would I live with myself knowing that the part of me I found is out there but not with me. I would no longer feel whole, id have no reason to out of the blue laugh and laugh continuously because i remembered something hilarious then have him laugh by my side because he also found it hilarious. I would no longer be there for him to talk for hrs when he has something he wants to get off his chest, I wouldn't be there to rub his back until he falls asleep, I would no longer be there for him to make really cheesy jokes and be surprised I actually thought they were funny.
 I would no longer be there for him to make silly faces with, to confide in, to tell crazy ideas to,to make a late night food run with and stay up the greater part of the time we are supposed to be asleep. I would no longer make random that's what he/she said jokes and him tell me "oh that was  a good one" and laugh too. I like making him laugh and just be himself. I
 wouldn't trade him going on about an idea or a topic for awhile and just rambling about whatever he wants just because he has me to talk to about. I wouldn't trade him coming home after I've gone to bed and gently kiss me on the shoulder and say "hey i got you this blueberry thing from the donut shop, and some kolaches" with a warm smile and giggle because I'm only half awake. There is way too much, my life would not be the same without him. You stick by the one you love even when things get difficult, if you truly love them, everyone always has a way to overlook the imperfections because we are not perfect. As long as  you are happy why let go of that happiness ?

Heart of Hearts: Each Person One World

No matter how surrounded we are, we always end up alone eventually.

People go out and do things like work, hang out with friends, go grocery shopping, go for a run, hang out with family, etc. So it is kind of impossible to be surrounded at all times, heck even when you're surrounded at times you may find yourself feeling completely alone (mentally or something like that anyway) Its like when you're in your own head keeping your thoughts to yourself, you know you think and think and its like you're transported into this whole completely different world; the one that lives inside your head with the things you dream and hope for, the things that make you angry but you don't say out loud, your fears (even if others including yourself may find them stupid).

 There are many things, but in its entirety what down to the very root makes you the person you are such as your memories, your experiences, the struggles and the things that you continue to experience everyday until God decides to shut the lights out for good (scary  right?).
A coffee shop is quite an interesting place to experience people and see in some form the detailed way we behave in different situations, everybody's impatiently waiting for their coffee angry,sleepy,over worked and some of the time even hungover. In that moment we overlook the fact that we're all just human and that we only have two hands, and can only move so quickly in a place that hardly can hold more than thirty people, we also fail to notice that there's only four or five people working behind the counter at a time and that at least two of them is going to have to take your order.

I guess that the point I'm trying to make here is that as they say every person is their own world in a way, and that more 75% percent of the time if not more we are selfish to our own needs and our own schedule and just what we want. We sometimes turn our everyday life's into a big bowl of  "me, me, ME." This is when things go south with those around us, when its always about us. My grandma once said to me she thought people had been made to in times of need not always but sometimes to just watch out one for the other, and help each other out.
But it doesn't really happen like that not often anyway, prime example and completely relevant to the fact that sometimes we're just plain selfish. When someone is gay and they come out to their family it's never okay EVER with their family; the people who are supposed to be there to help in times of need, in times when the rest of the world is judging them. Instead they decide to be angry,and in denial to the fact that a person is just who they are.

Being gay does not ever under any circumstance make someone less human, never does it degrade the quality of their being it, just means they think and feel a bit differently than you do. When people aren't accepting of not just this situation but any situation they cannot change that's were the selfishness comes in to play, families for example worry about the image of their "perfectly" brought up and polished union to be stained because one of the group is just a tad different. How in the world does that make you a good person?
 It doesn't, it just goes to show how judgmental people can be. I mean who was to tell you that..that super adorable baby boy or girl you brought into the world would one day be a little different and not even in gigantic way, it doesn't mean you raised them wrong or that there's something wrong or off about them.
 Who was to say they'd find their own person one day and want to embrace that person they know they are, they weren't going to stay tiny forever and you knew that. The judging never helps specially when, you never even tried to understand or listen to the reason why. The judging and the lack of support only leaves them to the cruel hard world way to soon, and that only eventually leads to that person taking their lifes , and in a sense it was your fault too for not being there when they needed you. Its not okay to always be selfish, specially when there's someone who you should be helping, who actually needs you. Maybe its true that each person is their own world but that doesn't mean we should forget about all the other worlds walking past us down the street.


                                                         xx -Steph