There is Fear in Love

They say fear is a choice.. Is that really true? Do we really have a choice? I feel like no matter how much we try to convince ourselfs

that fear is optional it is always there lurking in the shadows waiting for our most vulnerable moment to sink its teeth in and take away any glimmer of hope and belief in something we may have. I have never believed in love so much and all at once have been so afraid to lose it than at this very moment, as type this I reflect on the choices I have made these past two almost three years in my love life. I found what I knew was the perfect guy for me, yet time and time again I sabotaged it like there was no tomorrow. Its like trying to build a house of cards and knowing that you'll blow it down before you get to the second section or something similar. Fear has made me hurt the only person I cared about more than anyone that walks this earth dare I say. He makes me giddy and gives me butterflies just by looking in my eyes, it has been almost three years but he still gets me like that. He gets who I am, all the good and bad parts of who I am and all that I could be if I want to.. how in the world can someone believe in me this much I have asked myself this question the moment he encouraged me endlessly to pursue what I loved instead of a desk job that pays more than well enough. Why is it that we so often take for granted the things life gifts us, things that at the very moment we receive them we can hardly believe they are within our grasp. All the things I didn't know I could have suddenly came running at me one day, he was one of those things. The thought and fact alone of being completely happy so happy that I didn't care what anyone had to say or what they thought I should instead be focusing on.. all those extra comments that played a big part in my life for so long were no longer in center stage of my life. I was all consumed by the love this love that in my opinion was nearly impossible to find anymore or even better no longer existed. He was and continues to be my idea of perfection yet for some reason it took me this long to realize that all the time I second guessed the fact that I was so happy and kept reminding myself that people don't have it that easy in love.. I kept asking myself is this really it? Do i really have everything in this person? How could it be? These questions would circle my head so often. I was always looking for something wrong, and having come from divorced parents I always I feel has been a big factor of why I was so scared to be walked out on. Sure my grandmother raised my mom alone along with all her siblings and she didn't need a man she made more than enough not to need one, and my mother for so long was the same accounting paid off very well until she suddenly decided to re-marry and quit working; or as I like to call it having a piece of paper that proves how long and hard you worked and not doing anything with it. Since the end of August and the Beginning of this one I have come to the realization that I alone sabotaged my fantastic relationship because I was afraid of giving it my all and ending up like so many women do. When the fact is that he is all that I could have ever asked for, he knows me like no one ever will and like I quite frankly wouldn't want anyone to know me, he is kind enough to hold me in his arms at night and not let go until the morning, he looks into my eyes with fearless and scared all at once because I have hurt him, he is my best friend the true best friend I had always searched for but never could find, and he is the person that I want to continue to wake up to everyday. Just the other night he brought up a little moment from the early stages of our relationship and a week or two ago he did again.. Here I was asking myself.. Who knew that we both still remembered all those little moments that became so much more. I always thought I was the one who thought of that anymore but then it hit me that .. that was impossible because one thing I have always greatly appreciated about this fantastic guy I fell in love with was his sensitivity and ability to sit and talk like no one else can about love and all the little things that make it.  And If he was to read this, to him I say dear love of mine, I have taken you for granted more times than you will ever deserve and for that I will eternally be sorry but you must know that you are more than I wanted and expected to ever find and now that I have I hope that you will find it in your heart to truly give me the chance to make it up to you and always be by your side, and that I look forward to growing old with you (if you'll let me) , Because I know being with you will never grow old. And to be able to have your hand to hold through this crazy life.

Heart Of Hearts: Is It Karma or Just Life?

Sometimes in life we do not realize things that are right before our very eyes. Nobody is perfect, that is a given fact that we should all acknowledge. But there comes a time when we pretend to be, we like to think of ourselves as the innocent person no matter how bad choices or mistakes we have made or are making w/out others knowing.

We all try to hide things whether big or small, things of the past or even the present and act like it never happened or like it is not relevant to the present. And all I can do is ask myself "why?" Why the hell do we continuously look at ourselves as the victim? And even when we are the victim in a situation why do we over emphasize our role knowing we are not perfect and we've made bad decisions and have done bad things too. Expecting someone to be completely open with you and giving you access to every inch of information there is to know even about things that there is no point in you knowing, and then in return you do not give them the same or at least half of that.

Then where and how are you meeting them halfway to make anything better. Where is it that we cross the line from harmless lies, control of our so called "privacy", and things that have happened but have no meaning? To lying or hiding more serious things such as notes, to putting passwords on every device we use for social media or to communicate at all ever. Which brings me to the million dollar question, when it comes to relationships. Do we all lie and cheat at some point? And then act like the victim or get angry when the other person finds out? How far do we really go when no one knows what we are doing? Do we keep a mental line we do not cross when no one is looking? I will openly admit the fact that I have cheated. But I kept a line I refused to cross, although all I did was go out with the person a few times and flirt.. it is never the less still cheating but less than what other people have done and are capable of doing.
     The worst thing someone can come across is finding a note or more than one thing that tells you or makes it seem like that the person you are with is not necessarily as good or whatever you wanna call it as they appear or like to appear to you. Knowing someone is only human is going to make mistakes is the correct way to approach various kinds of situations but it is not always the route we take when we are angry or feel like things are not what they appear to be. It is never the less true that most everyone at some point will cheat, no matter how good something is for whatever reason we will cheat and another big fact is that the other person wont always find out.

But when there are things laying around that give away things that have happened and you just so happen to find them you really never know what to think but the obvious. Or maybe you'll lie to yourself and say well this probably meant or means nothing, or its probably old there is no way. But when things seem weird and have exact dates on them then what do you do then?? Funny how life turns out huh.. Maybe its karma or maybe we are all.. and excuse my language. But maybe we are all just fucked up people.

True gentleman Salvador Dali once said: “Have no fear of perfection - you'll never reach it.” 

P.S. excuse any misspelling or missing commas,etc. but when you want to get something off your chest it doesn't really matter.

                                                                   -Steph

Heart Of Hearts: Happy Thanksgiving

I woke up today with inspiration and such wonder , which i always seem to have had unless something is going on and which i was lately lacking. So i woke up today and laid in bed and I look to my left and see that there is no other place id rather be than right where I was. I felt lucky but over all thankful for my life so far and thankful for the people that I love and love me the people that matter. And in a short description those people would be my significant other and my family because everyone else is just a stranger if you really think about it. Then i finally got out of bed and turned on a movie as i was getting ready. Laugh If you want but i saw that last dance scene from Step Up Revolution and then it hit me that so many people give up on their dreams and things they love for different reasons but the giving up is the point. And it sucks to be someone who ends up sad and bitter in life because you were too scared to take a chance on something good.. something you believed and something you loved. This thanksgiving I am beyond thankful for the people in my life over anything else because those people have been there for me, and there is one in particular who did noy have to be there for me but instead of walking away that person stayed and has shown me and is showing me everyday to be a better person because no one is perfect, that person is the person who has encouraged me when I've been down and so many other things. But back to the point of this post never give up on what you believe in because you will eventually regret it. We all live and then eventually we die, so it is much more rewarding to say that at the end of the day you did what you loved and what made you happy in life, whatever it may be in life that makes you happy do it. Whether it is being in love and maybe struggling because no relationship is perfect, doing what you love for a living, exploring the world, following summer around the world, being a dancer, whatever it is that you love do it now because to it is better to say you have done it than to see others do it and you never having the chance to be in that same place.


HAPPY THANKSGIVING !!! :]
                                                         xx -Steph