Don't look back your're not going that way.

Growing up, such a funny thing. When we are kids we are in such a hurry to get older and get to those"dreams" that we see that other people have and we learn to shape to be our own ideals, and perceptive. Here I am 20, sitting in a cold but very accommodating cafe, starving because I refuse to leave these thoughts in the forgetful end of a long day. I have always been a believer in the deepest parts of my heart in love, in laughter, serenity and happiness.. Always wanting to see the good in people from a young age I learned that things are not always what they seem, the eyes can be deceiving and so can the heart, but most of all so can people. This is a confession my true and only experience with life so far in love, fear, lies, and perseverance. When I was a young girl my dad decided that instead of being a role model in my life he'd just be a distant someone I was related to who would send things and communicate from a distance.. he was too busy in London, Australia, France and go knows where else meeting woman while touring with his music group. he lived the typical womanizer life which is why my mother decided to divorce him and not waste more of her time. I was three when they divorced, i'd often hear at school comments about him, my teachers would say "oh yes I saw him on the newspaper, did you see his new hair color?" or "I heard he just got back into town" All of these and other comments swirled my daily childhood life at school, I felt like everyone knew where my father was and what he was doing ...everyone except me his daughter (although I was not the only one he had) I grew up feeling no need to have him around often.. or at least that is what I would always tell myself i'd convince myself that my mom was enough to fill his place and respectively perform hers in my life. My mother was there through it all she was my rock, worked her accountant job from dusk to dawn to give me everything I could possibly need, love, time, understanding, a roof over my head, trips, advice you name it. I never realized how much not having a father around was hurting me until four years ago. So there I was age three had passed and now I was eight, my mom had re-married had another kid and my father still wasn't around but at times after gymnastics I'd see him dining at the most expenssive restaurant by the beautiful park with a woman I had never seen or heard of before. Then as a child I was always quite alert, and happy and forgiving, but there came a time when I started to see my anger come out. I couldn't explain why the thought of him made me angry, anxious and sad all at once. It was like having three different people inside in my mind at all times.. conflicted by all of this I confided in writing and in wording how i felt in a way that wasn't alarming to my endearing grandmother. Not being comfortable with my mom's new found love I'd go to my grandmother to talk to and give me advice I didn't understand then but that now I see crisp as the the structure of the table in front of me. For years she was my go to person when I felt lonely and in need of a hug, I remember crying to her and telling her how unloved  and unimportant I felt because my dad never cared enough to be there in those moments when even a mother just isn't enough (i know that sounds bad).  sometime before i turned nine cancer took her precious warm smile, golden long hair and honest eyes away from me. This was the hardest thing I have gone through so far in life. The next five years after her death would leave me angrier than I was before, I didn't want to speak very much, grew impatient, self conscious, and not as motivated when I took a tumble on the mat during gymnastics which I eventually gave up. A year or two after her death I found myself on my first plane ride, I wasn't sure were we were headed but for some reason I was happy to have traded the warm afternoons by the clear blue sea, and my daily walks to school and seeing my uncle for a cold plane ride accompanied by a blanket, various coca colas, pretzels, new clothes, and looking out the window into an ocean that was so blue it gave me goosebumps and made me shed a tear. I think somewhere deep down as I held onto my mothers hand I knew I would never return to the place that even though was were I felt happiest also brought me great pain. Hours later we landed in mexico then from mexico it was all greek to me as they say, I was surrounded by people and giant stuffed animals, I remember this being the first time I saw a chanel store in an airport, I was intimidated and excited all at once for what felt like no reason to me at the time. we walked for what seemed like ten minutes to the next boarding gate she handed over the plane tickets, and passports then I realized what I had gotten my picture taken for. It was a long flight but I slept for most of it. When I opened my eyes again we had landed, walked into the airport, followed by a short cab ride, to a hotel. I was still confused. Where were we going, but being the obedient, and quiet little girl that I was I asked no questions. Instead I showered, changed into warm clean clothes and fell asleep in what seemed like a floating cloud that night I watched Scarface for the first time as my mom and brother slept I fought my sleep with the curiosity of flipping through the endless channel list, only to find out our exact location Miami, Florida. The next day once again we boarded another plane, when we landed we were confused as to where to go to get our luggage, then eventually found it and also found my stepdad waiting for us at the airport. We drove to our new home a small apartment in a place called Houston Texas. I started school again, met new kids, and desperately tried to adapt my body to the new and what seemed at the time really really cold weather. That winter was a cold, rainy and very gloomy one. The years passed in elementary I was made fun of in the beginning for my accent when i spoke English (which eventually wasn't there anymore) We moved into a house two years later and once again I had to make new friends, and adapt. I went through middle school which involved a whole new set of difficulties, my English was no longer a subject of embarrassment because it was pretty much perfect. what brought me trouble was the fact that I was nice, I tried to make friends and I did, but there were some people girls specifically who didn't like me they would gossip, one day I even over heard a girl say I was too pretty and had to be taken care of, she claimed i was very fit and that I would steal peoples attention that was before given to her. I had never seen myself in that light since I kept quiet most of the time, but was surprised and scared. I was bullied for some time, and eventually toward the end of middle school spoke to no one. Guys always tried to give me conversation and joke with me and the more the years passed I found myself to be less and less trusting of any male, I also became friendlier and started to speak up more. This is when i would spend my days drawing and began to consider what I would do for a living. I often thought of my dad and it made me sad and angry all at once. So i began avoiding being alone with my thoughts, tried to make close girl friends and found a love for roller skating every Friday and Saturday to be exact. high school was all around me when life seemed to kind of slow down enough for me to notice very detailed information about things and people around me.. more than I had before. I had a boyfriend who seemed like what I thought I wanted, someone funny, who would listen, and that liked to have fun. What I didn't know was that he wasn't anything like he seemed. When I began to focus my attention more into writing I would try to tell him, he never cared or remembered what it was that I was aspiring to do,so much was wrong at that time.. he cheated and it hurt me... then I ended it. what was not apparent to me at the time was the damage the relationship had had on my being. I had grown to be confident, and driven, and so many other things until I hit that block in the road, I knew that I wasn't ready to be with anyone in an intimate level which is one of the things I was extremely glad I never let him have from me, but for some reason I couldn't stop myself from wanting to talk to him whenever I faced new problems. I met someone else who made me start to believe that love just might be something I could have, he truly became what I had always hoped to have and it all seemed so easy and effortless with him, I was inspired, what we had was so uncomplicated and he made me so happy I was terrified. Sometime passed and it somehow felt right to not have my guard up and let him truly be everything he was to me, he as romantic, and funny, honest,and actually cared about what my aspirations in life were, he was my own personal cheerleader, confidant, and became my best friend, drinking buddy, personal chef at, took care of me when I was sick, and held me after a long day. Eventually we hit a road block which I will admit was my fault, I thought that I could share certain information with my mom that at the time I did she was completely not okay with. At that time our relationship was at a halt, and my insecurities began to surface again so much that I cheated, and lied to the only person I had given more than I thought I would. Although I didn't go as low as being intimate with the other person I had met. I did continually talk to him and even agreed to go out with him a couple of times. There I was in a really shitty place, but i fought to move forward I truly believed I could make it right, things drastically changed suddenly all the trust he had for me was gone and he often questioned my intentions and my honesty. Every time something big and bad would happen I'd run and message the first idiot who hurt me, only hurting the present relationship even more, I struggled to figure out where my high risk behavior was coming from. After a panic, anxiety, attack, bottled up anger, fear of rejection , and fear of not finding someone who would care. i did the worst thing I could do knowing it was wrong I walked away in a big way, I flew thousands of mile away from the love of my life and in my state of desperation is the only thing I can call it went on an online dating app with only the intention of talking, I ended up meeting with a guy at a coffee shop and talking for a few hours, half way through our fake date, I couldn't do it anymore his accent made it extremely terrible to understand a lot of what the was saying and I felt wrong being there at all, he wasn't even from this country yet there I was talking to him acting like I was okay when in reality I was broken inside, I had agreed to take him back to his family's apartment (i know stupid right) It was short car ride and thankfully he was enough of a man to not try anything, when I parked the car briefly he shook my hand goodbye and thanked me for sitting and talking to him about things to do around the city and not showing my frustration because of his broken English. This was the ultimate and greatest mistake I had made I knew I should have stayed home, and thanked god for keeping me safe and not letting anything happen. that night I didn't sleep... Months after this I found myself going to therapy and struggling with the fact I ruined my relationship, I failed one of my classes and my gpa struggled greatly. I was in low moods almost everyday, and only found comfort in what my therapist got me to see once a day, one day out of seven in the week. as I sit here writing this I cannot say that I am in a perfect place, but I am in a much better and clear place than I was during that time where I made irrational decisions I would have never done in my right mind. I have found comfort in writing, and reading again, am refocused on my goals,and school, and only hope to climb the ladder of life to the very top and never looking back to being that person that hurt not only me but someone who will never be replaced to me because he was a unique being. The journey to 20 has been a lengthy one in my experience, I am learning to live with my choices, I've learned self love although I am uncomfortable at times with my body and what others might be thinking of it, anger isn't greatly suppressed like before towards anyone instead I analyze it before deciding what steps to take, I am learning to love the little moments like I used to such as sunset, the rain, a funny moment that I never saw coming, and the little battles I win day to day. I am no longer holding anger towards my father but instead I know and am realistic about how him not being there affected me, and now I see why mom was always so protective of me. I haven't been to Cuba in over a decade but someday soon I hope to return, and visit my grandmas grave and tell her that it took me a while to understand all her advice but that I finally did it. This is it so far and whether anyone reads this or not it is okay, at least I let it out into the universe

Ps. No way is anyone gonna find true love on Tinder

There is Fear in Love

They say fear is a choice.. Is that really true? Do we really have a choice? I feel like no matter how much we try to convince ourselfs

that fear is optional it is always there lurking in the shadows waiting for our most vulnerable moment to sink its teeth in and take away any glimmer of hope and belief in something we may have. I have never believed in love so much and all at once have been so afraid to lose it than at this very moment, as type this I reflect on the choices I have made these past two almost three years in my love life. I found what I knew was the perfect guy for me, yet time and time again I sabotaged it like there was no tomorrow. Its like trying to build a house of cards and knowing that you'll blow it down before you get to the second section or something similar. Fear has made me hurt the only person I cared about more than anyone that walks this earth dare I say. He makes me giddy and gives me butterflies just by looking in my eyes, it has been almost three years but he still gets me like that. He gets who I am, all the good and bad parts of who I am and all that I could be if I want to.. how in the world can someone believe in me this much I have asked myself this question the moment he encouraged me endlessly to pursue what I loved instead of a desk job that pays more than well enough. Why is it that we so often take for granted the things life gifts us, things that at the very moment we receive them we can hardly believe they are within our grasp. All the things I didn't know I could have suddenly came running at me one day, he was one of those things. The thought and fact alone of being completely happy so happy that I didn't care what anyone had to say or what they thought I should instead be focusing on.. all those extra comments that played a big part in my life for so long were no longer in center stage of my life. I was all consumed by the love this love that in my opinion was nearly impossible to find anymore or even better no longer existed. He was and continues to be my idea of perfection yet for some reason it took me this long to realize that all the time I second guessed the fact that I was so happy and kept reminding myself that people don't have it that easy in love.. I kept asking myself is this really it? Do i really have everything in this person? How could it be? These questions would circle my head so often. I was always looking for something wrong, and having come from divorced parents I always I feel has been a big factor of why I was so scared to be walked out on. Sure my grandmother raised my mom alone along with all her siblings and she didn't need a man she made more than enough not to need one, and my mother for so long was the same accounting paid off very well until she suddenly decided to re-marry and quit working; or as I like to call it having a piece of paper that proves how long and hard you worked and not doing anything with it. Since the end of August and the Beginning of this one I have come to the realization that I alone sabotaged my fantastic relationship because I was afraid of giving it my all and ending up like so many women do. When the fact is that he is all that I could have ever asked for, he knows me like no one ever will and like I quite frankly wouldn't want anyone to know me, he is kind enough to hold me in his arms at night and not let go until the morning, he looks into my eyes with fearless and scared all at once because I have hurt him, he is my best friend the true best friend I had always searched for but never could find, and he is the person that I want to continue to wake up to everyday. Just the other night he brought up a little moment from the early stages of our relationship and a week or two ago he did again.. Here I was asking myself.. Who knew that we both still remembered all those little moments that became so much more. I always thought I was the one who thought of that anymore but then it hit me that .. that was impossible because one thing I have always greatly appreciated about this fantastic guy I fell in love with was his sensitivity and ability to sit and talk like no one else can about love and all the little things that make it.  And If he was to read this, to him I say dear love of mine, I have taken you for granted more times than you will ever deserve and for that I will eternally be sorry but you must know that you are more than I wanted and expected to ever find and now that I have I hope that you will find it in your heart to truly give me the chance to make it up to you and always be by your side, and that I look forward to growing old with you (if you'll let me) , Because I know being with you will never grow old. And to be able to have your hand to hold through this crazy life.

Heart Of Hearts: A Thought

When is it right to give up on something, I have asked myself that question many times. I have given up on a few things I found important. But have not had someone mean so much that when they are not around I feel an emptiness other than someone from my family until now.
 They say that there are things in life you just have to let go but that the ones you love are worth fighting for. There in the middle of the lonely and cold night i find his song wrapping its warm arms around me and telling me not to give up just yet because its all worth the fight. my heart says how could you ever give up you fool when this is the first time in your life that you have something you are completely sure of, something you'd be willing to risk it all for, even if you have yet to begin risking things.
They say giving up is the hardest part, i used to think of it frequently until one night that changed. For the first time in a long time in between all the fights and yelling we were completely in peace just laying there laughing, then came a gentle kiss from his lips and an I love you. There I was feeling stupid because I thought those words i would not hear for a while or that he no longer felt. There is always this honesty that comes from his eyes those eyes who know me well enough to notice something is wrong even when I am smiling. Why give up when I have so much to lose. Why give up waking up next to him everyday, why give up the making up after we argue and the way that he wraps his arms around around me to make me feel warm and secure. Why would I give up the countless hours, weeks, and years that I've been by his side? Because of a stupid argument or because I get paranoid about things that should not even cross my mind. I know that he would not be out doing things he should not be he is too focused on his passion, his career.
I know that I don't want to let anything go even the bad stuff, how would I live with myself knowing that the part of me I found is out there but not with me. I would no longer feel whole, id have no reason to out of the blue laugh and laugh continuously because i remembered something hilarious then have him laugh by my side because he also found it hilarious. I would no longer be there for him to talk for hrs when he has something he wants to get off his chest, I wouldn't be there to rub his back until he falls asleep, I would no longer be there for him to make really cheesy jokes and be surprised I actually thought they were funny.
 I would no longer be there for him to make silly faces with, to confide in, to tell crazy ideas to,to make a late night food run with and stay up the greater part of the time we are supposed to be asleep. I would no longer make random that's what he/she said jokes and him tell me "oh that was  a good one" and laugh too. I like making him laugh and just be himself. I
 wouldn't trade him going on about an idea or a topic for awhile and just rambling about whatever he wants just because he has me to talk to about. I wouldn't trade him coming home after I've gone to bed and gently kiss me on the shoulder and say "hey i got you this blueberry thing from the donut shop, and some kolaches" with a warm smile and giggle because I'm only half awake. There is way too much, my life would not be the same without him. You stick by the one you love even when things get difficult, if you truly love them, everyone always has a way to overlook the imperfections because we are not perfect. As long as  you are happy why let go of that happiness ?

Heart Of Hearts: Is It Karma or Just Life?

Sometimes in life we do not realize things that are right before our very eyes. Nobody is perfect, that is a given fact that we should all acknowledge. But there comes a time when we pretend to be, we like to think of ourselves as the innocent person no matter how bad choices or mistakes we have made or are making w/out others knowing.

We all try to hide things whether big or small, things of the past or even the present and act like it never happened or like it is not relevant to the present. And all I can do is ask myself "why?" Why the hell do we continuously look at ourselves as the victim? And even when we are the victim in a situation why do we over emphasize our role knowing we are not perfect and we've made bad decisions and have done bad things too. Expecting someone to be completely open with you and giving you access to every inch of information there is to know even about things that there is no point in you knowing, and then in return you do not give them the same or at least half of that.

Then where and how are you meeting them halfway to make anything better. Where is it that we cross the line from harmless lies, control of our so called "privacy", and things that have happened but have no meaning? To lying or hiding more serious things such as notes, to putting passwords on every device we use for social media or to communicate at all ever. Which brings me to the million dollar question, when it comes to relationships. Do we all lie and cheat at some point? And then act like the victim or get angry when the other person finds out? How far do we really go when no one knows what we are doing? Do we keep a mental line we do not cross when no one is looking? I will openly admit the fact that I have cheated. But I kept a line I refused to cross, although all I did was go out with the person a few times and flirt.. it is never the less still cheating but less than what other people have done and are capable of doing.
     The worst thing someone can come across is finding a note or more than one thing that tells you or makes it seem like that the person you are with is not necessarily as good or whatever you wanna call it as they appear or like to appear to you. Knowing someone is only human is going to make mistakes is the correct way to approach various kinds of situations but it is not always the route we take when we are angry or feel like things are not what they appear to be. It is never the less true that most everyone at some point will cheat, no matter how good something is for whatever reason we will cheat and another big fact is that the other person wont always find out.

But when there are things laying around that give away things that have happened and you just so happen to find them you really never know what to think but the obvious. Or maybe you'll lie to yourself and say well this probably meant or means nothing, or its probably old there is no way. But when things seem weird and have exact dates on them then what do you do then?? Funny how life turns out huh.. Maybe its karma or maybe we are all.. and excuse my language. But maybe we are all just fucked up people.

True gentleman Salvador Dali once said: “Have no fear of perfection - you'll never reach it.” 

P.S. excuse any misspelling or missing commas,etc. but when you want to get something off your chest it doesn't really matter.

                                                                   -Steph

Heart Of Hearts: Happy Thanksgiving

I woke up today with inspiration and such wonder , which i always seem to have had unless something is going on and which i was lately lacking. So i woke up today and laid in bed and I look to my left and see that there is no other place id rather be than right where I was. I felt lucky but over all thankful for my life so far and thankful for the people that I love and love me the people that matter. And in a short description those people would be my significant other and my family because everyone else is just a stranger if you really think about it. Then i finally got out of bed and turned on a movie as i was getting ready. Laugh If you want but i saw that last dance scene from Step Up Revolution and then it hit me that so many people give up on their dreams and things they love for different reasons but the giving up is the point. And it sucks to be someone who ends up sad and bitter in life because you were too scared to take a chance on something good.. something you believed and something you loved. This thanksgiving I am beyond thankful for the people in my life over anything else because those people have been there for me, and there is one in particular who did noy have to be there for me but instead of walking away that person stayed and has shown me and is showing me everyday to be a better person because no one is perfect, that person is the person who has encouraged me when I've been down and so many other things. But back to the point of this post never give up on what you believe in because you will eventually regret it. We all live and then eventually we die, so it is much more rewarding to say that at the end of the day you did what you loved and what made you happy in life, whatever it may be in life that makes you happy do it. Whether it is being in love and maybe struggling because no relationship is perfect, doing what you love for a living, exploring the world, following summer around the world, being a dancer, whatever it is that you love do it now because to it is better to say you have done it than to see others do it and you never having the chance to be in that same place.


HAPPY THANKSGIVING !!! :]
                                                         xx -Steph

Heart of Hearts: Each Person One World

No matter how surrounded we are, we always end up alone eventually.

People go out and do things like work, hang out with friends, go grocery shopping, go for a run, hang out with family, etc. So it is kind of impossible to be surrounded at all times, heck even when you're surrounded at times you may find yourself feeling completely alone (mentally or something like that anyway) Its like when you're in your own head keeping your thoughts to yourself, you know you think and think and its like you're transported into this whole completely different world; the one that lives inside your head with the things you dream and hope for, the things that make you angry but you don't say out loud, your fears (even if others including yourself may find them stupid).

 There are many things, but in its entirety what down to the very root makes you the person you are such as your memories, your experiences, the struggles and the things that you continue to experience everyday until God decides to shut the lights out for good (scary  right?).
A coffee shop is quite an interesting place to experience people and see in some form the detailed way we behave in different situations, everybody's impatiently waiting for their coffee angry,sleepy,over worked and some of the time even hungover. In that moment we overlook the fact that we're all just human and that we only have two hands, and can only move so quickly in a place that hardly can hold more than thirty people, we also fail to notice that there's only four or five people working behind the counter at a time and that at least two of them is going to have to take your order.

I guess that the point I'm trying to make here is that as they say every person is their own world in a way, and that more 75% percent of the time if not more we are selfish to our own needs and our own schedule and just what we want. We sometimes turn our everyday life's into a big bowl of  "me, me, ME." This is when things go south with those around us, when its always about us. My grandma once said to me she thought people had been made to in times of need not always but sometimes to just watch out one for the other, and help each other out.
But it doesn't really happen like that not often anyway, prime example and completely relevant to the fact that sometimes we're just plain selfish. When someone is gay and they come out to their family it's never okay EVER with their family; the people who are supposed to be there to help in times of need, in times when the rest of the world is judging them. Instead they decide to be angry,and in denial to the fact that a person is just who they are.

Being gay does not ever under any circumstance make someone less human, never does it degrade the quality of their being it, just means they think and feel a bit differently than you do. When people aren't accepting of not just this situation but any situation they cannot change that's were the selfishness comes in to play, families for example worry about the image of their "perfectly" brought up and polished union to be stained because one of the group is just a tad different. How in the world does that make you a good person?
 It doesn't, it just goes to show how judgmental people can be. I mean who was to tell you that..that super adorable baby boy or girl you brought into the world would one day be a little different and not even in gigantic way, it doesn't mean you raised them wrong or that there's something wrong or off about them.
 Who was to say they'd find their own person one day and want to embrace that person they know they are, they weren't going to stay tiny forever and you knew that. The judging never helps specially when, you never even tried to understand or listen to the reason why. The judging and the lack of support only leaves them to the cruel hard world way to soon, and that only eventually leads to that person taking their lifes , and in a sense it was your fault too for not being there when they needed you. Its not okay to always be selfish, specially when there's someone who you should be helping, who actually needs you. Maybe its true that each person is their own world but that doesn't mean we should forget about all the other worlds walking past us down the street.


                                                         xx -Steph

Heart Of Hearts: Realistically

What is wrong with people there is seriously something wrong with us. Every single time we have something good we somehow figure out a way to ruin it, all of our lifes we dream of finding that ideal person who will make us feel whole and accept us for who we are.. The real us, not that us that we show the people around us because we secretly know we cannot trust everyone who flashes a smile in our direction. Then comes that defining moment that can change everything forever , when we finally get that person we have always hoped to find and mess it all up by cheating and lieing. Why in Gods name do we do that it almost always happens like that and we end up screwing our entire lifes and having commitment, follow through and all other kinds of issues. It rarely never happens that we do things completely right the first time around it never happens just how it should. Like for example waiting to have sex till marriage but doing it because you are madly and completely in love with that person. But at the same time messing such perfection up by either, cheating, lieing, putting up walls, being too scared to try because you've always been given up on and many more things.. The list could go on forever because we all have it so different than others, then sometimes we don't but we all eff things up one way or the other. That is until that oh so right person comes along and gives us the chance to turn a new leaf. Then maybe just maybe after all the fighting and screaming and the laughing and the crying and last but not least the love that lies or that lied there you can finally bring yourself to stop being scared to give it your all like you've never done before.

Winston Churchill once said : “We make a living by what we get. We make a life by what we give.” 
And on the same token Mother Teresa said: “Give, but give until it hurts.”  



So as i sit here and enjoy warm and sweet cinnamon roll I say why the hell not give something that could make you happy for the rest of this crappy existence actually HAPPY.. Your all, and maybe then youll stop feeling like a bad person and you and others will see you differently.


                                                            xx-Steph