Growing up, such a funny thing. When we are kids we are in such a hurry to get older and get to those"dreams" that we see that other people have and we learn to shape to be our own ideals, and perceptive. Here I am 20, sitting in a cold but very accommodating cafe, starving because I refuse to leave these thoughts in the forgetful end of a long day. I have always been a believer in the deepest parts of my heart in love, in laughter, serenity and happiness.. Always wanting to see the good in people from a young age I learned that things are not always what they seem, the eyes can be deceiving and so can the heart, but most of all so can people. This is a confession my true and only experience with life so far in love, fear, lies, and perseverance. When I was a young girl my dad decided that instead of being a role model in my life he'd just be a distant someone I was related to who would send things and communicate from a distance.. he was too busy in London, Australia, France and go knows where else meeting woman while touring with his music group. he lived the typical womanizer life which is why my mother decided to divorce him and not waste more of her time. I was three when they divorced, i'd often hear at school comments about him, my teachers would say "oh yes I saw him on the newspaper, did you see his new hair color?" or "I heard he just got back into town" All of these and other comments swirled my daily childhood life at school, I felt like everyone knew where my father was and what he was doing ...everyone except me his daughter (although I was not the only one he had) I grew up feeling no need to have him around often.. or at least that is what I would always tell myself i'd convince myself that my mom was enough to fill his place and respectively perform hers in my life. My mother was there through it all she was my rock, worked her accountant job from dusk to dawn to give me everything I could possibly need, love, time, understanding, a roof over my head, trips, advice you name it. I never realized how much not having a father around was hurting me until four years ago. So there I was age three had passed and now I was eight, my mom had re-married had another kid and my father still wasn't around but at times after gymnastics I'd see him dining at the most expenssive restaurant by the beautiful park with a woman I had never seen or heard of before. Then as a child I was always quite alert, and happy and forgiving, but there came a time when I started to see my anger come out. I couldn't explain why the thought of him made me angry, anxious and sad all at once. It was like having three different people inside in my mind at all times.. conflicted by all of this I confided in writing and in wording how i felt in a way that wasn't alarming to my endearing grandmother. Not being comfortable with my mom's new found love I'd go to my grandmother to talk to and give me advice I didn't understand then but that now I see crisp as the the structure of the table in front of me. For years she was my go to person when I felt lonely and in need of a hug, I remember crying to her and telling her how unloved and unimportant I felt because my dad never cared enough to be there in those moments when even a mother just isn't enough (i know that sounds bad). sometime before i turned nine cancer took her precious warm smile, golden long hair and honest eyes away from me. This was the hardest thing I have gone through so far in life. The next five years after her death would leave me angrier than I was before, I didn't want to speak very much, grew impatient, self conscious, and not as motivated when I took a tumble on the mat during gymnastics which I eventually gave up. A year or two after her death I found myself on my first plane ride, I wasn't sure were we were headed but for some reason I was happy to have traded the warm afternoons by the clear blue sea, and my daily walks to school and seeing my uncle for a cold plane ride accompanied by a blanket, various coca colas, pretzels, new clothes, and looking out the window into an ocean that was so blue it gave me goosebumps and made me shed a tear. I think somewhere deep down as I held onto my mothers hand I knew I would never return to the place that even though was were I felt happiest also brought me great pain. Hours later we landed in mexico then from mexico it was all greek to me as they say, I was surrounded by people and giant stuffed animals, I remember this being the first time I saw a chanel store in an airport, I was intimidated and excited all at once for what felt like no reason to me at the time. we walked for what seemed like ten minutes to the next boarding gate she handed over the plane tickets, and passports then I realized what I had gotten my picture taken for. It was a long flight but I slept for most of it. When I opened my eyes again we had landed, walked into the airport, followed by a short cab ride, to a hotel. I was still confused. Where were we going, but being the obedient, and quiet little girl that I was I asked no questions. Instead I showered, changed into warm clean clothes and fell asleep in what seemed like a floating cloud that night I watched Scarface for the first time as my mom and brother slept I fought my sleep with the curiosity of flipping through the endless channel list, only to find out our exact location Miami, Florida. The next day once again we boarded another plane, when we landed we were confused as to where to go to get our luggage, then eventually found it and also found my stepdad waiting for us at the airport. We drove to our new home a small apartment in a place called Houston Texas. I started school again, met new kids, and desperately tried to adapt my body to the new and what seemed at the time really really cold weather. That winter was a cold, rainy and very gloomy one. The years passed in elementary I was made fun of in the beginning for my accent when i spoke English (which eventually wasn't there anymore) We moved into a house two years later and once again I had to make new friends, and adapt. I went through middle school which involved a whole new set of difficulties, my English was no longer a subject of embarrassment because it was pretty much perfect. what brought me trouble was the fact that I was nice, I tried to make friends and I did, but there were some people girls specifically who didn't like me they would gossip, one day I even over heard a girl say I was too pretty and had to be taken care of, she claimed i was very fit and that I would steal peoples attention that was before given to her. I had never seen myself in that light since I kept quiet most of the time, but was surprised and scared. I was bullied for some time, and eventually toward the end of middle school spoke to no one. Guys always tried to give me conversation and joke with me and the more the years passed I found myself to be less and less trusting of any male, I also became friendlier and started to speak up more. This is when i would spend my days drawing and began to consider what I would do for a living. I often thought of my dad and it made me sad and angry all at once. So i began avoiding being alone with my thoughts, tried to make close girl friends and found a love for roller skating every Friday and Saturday to be exact. high school was all around me when life seemed to kind of slow down enough for me to notice very detailed information about things and people around me.. more than I had before. I had a boyfriend who seemed like what I thought I wanted, someone funny, who would listen, and that liked to have fun. What I didn't know was that he wasn't anything like he seemed. When I began to focus my attention more into writing I would try to tell him, he never cared or remembered what it was that I was aspiring to do,so much was wrong at that time.. he cheated and it hurt me... then I ended it. what was not apparent to me at the time was the damage the relationship had had on my being. I had grown to be confident, and driven, and so many other things until I hit that block in the road, I knew that I wasn't ready to be with anyone in an intimate level which is one of the things I was extremely glad I never let him have from me, but for some reason I couldn't stop myself from wanting to talk to him whenever I faced new problems. I met someone else who made me start to believe that love just might be something I could have, he truly became what I had always hoped to have and it all seemed so easy and effortless with him, I was inspired, what we had was so uncomplicated and he made me so happy I was terrified. Sometime passed and it somehow felt right to not have my guard up and let him truly be everything he was to me, he as romantic, and funny, honest,and actually cared about what my aspirations in life were, he was my own personal cheerleader, confidant, and became my best friend, drinking buddy, personal chef at, took care of me when I was sick, and held me after a long day. Eventually we hit a road block which I will admit was my fault, I thought that I could share certain information with my mom that at the time I did she was completely not okay with. At that time our relationship was at a halt, and my insecurities began to surface again so much that I cheated, and lied to the only person I had given more than I thought I would. Although I didn't go as low as being intimate with the other person I had met. I did continually talk to him and even agreed to go out with him a couple of times. There I was in a really shitty place, but i fought to move forward I truly believed I could make it right, things drastically changed suddenly all the trust he had for me was gone and he often questioned my intentions and my honesty. Every time something big and bad would happen I'd run and message the first idiot who hurt me, only hurting the present relationship even more, I struggled to figure out where my high risk behavior was coming from. After a panic, anxiety, attack, bottled up anger, fear of rejection , and fear of not finding someone who would care. i did the worst thing I could do knowing it was wrong I walked away in a big way, I flew thousands of mile away from the love of my life and in my state of desperation is the only thing I can call it went on an online dating app with only the intention of talking, I ended up meeting with a guy at a coffee shop and talking for a few hours, half way through our fake date, I couldn't do it anymore his accent made it extremely terrible to understand a lot of what the was saying and I felt wrong being there at all, he wasn't even from this country yet there I was talking to him acting like I was okay when in reality I was broken inside, I had agreed to take him back to his family's apartment (i know stupid right) It was short car ride and thankfully he was enough of a man to not try anything, when I parked the car briefly he shook my hand goodbye and thanked me for sitting and talking to him about things to do around the city and not showing my frustration because of his broken English. This was the ultimate and greatest mistake I had made I knew I should have stayed home, and thanked god for keeping me safe and not letting anything happen. that night I didn't sleep... Months after this I found myself going to therapy and struggling with the fact I ruined my relationship, I failed one of my classes and my gpa struggled greatly. I was in low moods almost everyday, and only found comfort in what my therapist got me to see once a day, one day out of seven in the week. as I sit here writing this I cannot say that I am in a perfect place, but I am in a much better and clear place than I was during that time where I made irrational decisions I would have never done in my right mind. I have found comfort in writing, and reading again, am refocused on my goals,and school, and only hope to climb the ladder of life to the very top and never looking back to being that person that hurt not only me but someone who will never be replaced to me because he was a unique being. The journey to 20 has been a lengthy one in my experience, I am learning to live with my choices, I've learned self love although I am uncomfortable at times with my body and what others might be thinking of it, anger isn't greatly suppressed like before towards anyone instead I analyze it before deciding what steps to take, I am learning to love the little moments like I used to such as sunset, the rain, a funny moment that I never saw coming, and the little battles I win day to day. I am no longer holding anger towards my father but instead I know and am realistic about how him not being there affected me, and now I see why mom was always so protective of me. I haven't been to Cuba in over a decade but someday soon I hope to return, and visit my grandmas grave and tell her that it took me a while to understand all her advice but that I finally did it. This is it so far and whether anyone reads this or not it is okay, at least I let it out into the universe
Ps. No way is anyone gonna find true love on Tinder
